Thursday, June 14, 2007

Storing our treasures

Had another one of those "Sooo, she'll be black?" comment/questions again. Camden has been taking swim lessons and one of the moms that was friendly enough to speak (those can be some cliquish events), asked me that question. She said it, and it was in that way people do where they kind of trail off because they either know it was a stupid thing to say or they don't know how to use the word "black", you know, if it's ok or not. It really is amazing. The color of someone's skin can really throw people off. They don't know what to say or do. I like to think that it is a step in the right direction when they ask questions, even if they are stupid ones, because then they learn something and maybe don't feel so awkward next time it comes up. Anyhoo, I smiled immediately and reflexively(I think that is a word), because it really is so dumb of a question and said yes. I also immediately followed it with something else, because we would have been just sitting there, awkward, if I had just said yes and that was it. Because she would not have known what to say next. Just makes me chuckle.

So, a week to go until the court date...I am hoping that everything goes well. I am trying to think positively. At least they are 8 hours ahead, so that when I wake up Friday morning, it will have already happened and I won't have to wait until late afternoon to find out.

I am so in love with this child and I know next to nothing about her. I wonder how that happens. Is it empathy as a human being? Can it be a motherly instinct, even though she isn't born of me? And scarier still is, how on earth can I possibly love her more. And I know that I will. Sometimes I morbidly think about the loss of my children and how I would go on. Would I shrivel up and disappear? I really think that I could.

My pastor talked once in a sermon about how some people store their treasures in their children. Not that you shouldn't adore and love your children, but that some people can lose focus on God and their marriage, and maybe use their children as their reason to live. I am sure I am screwing up the message here, but I can see how that would happen. Your lives revolve around your kids, and everything else falls away. I know a few people who do that...not necessarily storing treasures in their kids, but, you know, schedule every moment of their children's lives so that no one has to be home to deal with one another...or parent for that matter. He said that the marriage should always come before the children. That what greater gift to your children than to show them how you come first(well, second to God) to one another. That your love was there before they got there and will be there when they are gone. And that shows them how a marriage is supposed to be. I agree for the most part. I personally think, though, at the younger ages, marriage really has to stand the test, and take backseat some. Not completely, but they demand a lot of attention. That really is toughie. But I digress...I think I probably should watch out for storing my treasures in my children. I could do that easily.


Ted and Lori said...

Interesting thoughts. We've seen some of our friends' lives get swallowed up by their kids and have thought a lot about how we don't want that to happen to us, how we want to keep our same interests and pursuits while bringing our kids along for the ride, knowing that it's good for kids to see their parents passionate about things other than *them*. Does that make sense? All of that is in theory right now though: who knows what'll go down once we have toddlers demanding our attention left and right? Anyway, very interesting thoughts.

Becky Page said...

Hi Rachel,
I understand your thoughts completely. I wrapped myself up in my 20 year old when he was younger. Of course, I was a single mom and it was just the two of us, so it was too easy to do that. The result is that he is a very loving and generous young man who loves his momma, but he also thinks he is the center of the universe! Thus, one of the reasons we decided to adopt ... didn't want Carson growing up to think the same thing. However, my husband one time said to Carson (when he was a baby and didn't understand)that as much as he loves him, he loves me more. I looked at him blankly and told him that if we were all 3 on a sinking boat, I'm sorry but I would choose to save Carson! Having a strong, good, loving marriage is extremely important to kids, so I do agree, but I can't imagine life without my children. I too think I would curl up and die if anything ever happened to them! You're human!