Saturday, May 7, 2011

Liar, Liar, Pants on Fire

So I told a lie a few days ago.  A complete one.  Not fudging the facts a bit, just an out and out lie.  My intentions weren't evil or for harm or even to make myself look good.  I did it out of... avoidance, I guess.  I am conflict avoidant.   And I will avoid conflict, unless not avoiding it absolutely has to serve its purpose.   I am not scared of it, I just don't like it.  And actually, it pisses me off.  I had plenty of conflict in my childhood and youth and I've come to a point in my life where I feel that I don't have to have that crap in my life if I don't want to.  And folks that impede on that belief just hack me off.   Because they are entering into my existence and rocking my boat.   And I know that there are tons of people who LOVE conflict, like conflict, search it out, make it up, and create it, but I don't need it.  Not having it has served me well.  Now, I'm not completely without it and I realize it's healthy to resolve conflict, blah, blah, blah, and I know how to go about it, blah, blah, blah.  And this doesn't mean I won't stand up for myself or my loved ones.  But I just don't want it, if I don't need it!

So anyways...I tell my lie (to an acquaintance, not a friend or anyone even on facebook, so you are all in the clear :) and I was SO unconvincing.  I wasn't ready for it.  And I told it to get out of a "thing" that I didn't want to do because I don't like the people having the "thing".  And it was funny.  I was so annoyed and disappointed with myself for not being a better liar.  And then I got annoyed that I felt that way, because I should be proud that I am pretty out of practice and not so accomplished at it!  I'm trying to live my life as Jesus would if he were Rachel Elliott and I'm pretty sure he'd have just said, "No." and not lied.   I've gotten so much better about saying "no" and have learned from my husband that sometimes it's okay to say "no" and not give a reason.  Just say "no."  End of story.  I always feel the need to come up with an explanation of some sorts.  But in this case I didn't feel the need to say that she and the other lady bug and annoy me, so I lied.  And then she probed and I had to cough up details and stumbled around and felt ridiculous.  But whatdaya do?  You can't tell the truth, but don't wanna lie... What did Dennis tell me?  Oh, yeah.  Just say NO and leave it at that!

So now I feel stupid and I'm still disappointed in my lie delivery and I'm disappointed that I'm disappointed in my lie delivery.  Can you imagine what my poor husband lives with?  Trying to be a generative adult (thanks, Sara) in progress!