Friday, May 11, 2007

Thoughts as they come....

We will be able to meet her mom when we go to get her, just got word yesterday. That will be awkward and awesome. It will be happy and it will be sad. I am not sure that we will be able to take her to visit her Mom, not sure what the rules are on that one. WHAT ON EARTH DO YOU SAY???? I will thank her, of course, and make all the promises of care and well being that I can, but that is kind of the surface stuff. WHAT ON EARTH DO YOU SAY WITHOUT SOUNDING TRITE??? There are some mixed up emotions going on right now.

I can say that she was relinquished about 2 1/2 months ago by her mom, so she has not been institutionalized very long. That said, she is grieving and they used the term "markedly sad" over the loss of her Mom. I can not imagine placing the boys for adoption at a year and a half....the pain both must be feeling. To top it off, there is even more to the story that I will leave unsaid, but I am sad for them both. I am sure that when we meet, she may not want to come to me, and I am okay with that. In fact, I am preparing for her to be completely upset. It may or may not be the case, but I think I should really prepare for that, because no matter what, down deep, you hope for that perfect running-into-each-other's arms type of union, you know? Can you imagine going to people with white faces who have never seen you before and being whisked away to another country you have never seen before, into a house loud with kids and a TV blasting. Being strapped down in a chair you have never experienced, unable to move, while you speed along in some huge metal contraption. Getting tossed into a world that doesn't eat anything remotely close to what you ate before. Can anyone say "culture shock"? I think back to my trips to Haiti, where I am there for only a week, and, even though I completely love the place and the people and the food, I am soooo relieved to go home! She is up against some major changes and adjustments, soon.

We are about halfway through our required 10 hours of continuing adoption education training, which some you can do via video online through Gladney, and we just got a video on grief and loss. What I do know about grief is that there will be stages she will go through...some interesting days ahead. In September, after the 2 youngest's birthdays, I will have a 2, 3, and 4 year old. I have lost my mind.

And I wonder how the boys will adjust to it all. I honestly think that Cam will be fine, the little Mother that he is, and the fact that there has always been another younger child here. Brodan doesn't like to share me, and may have some problems at first, but maybe he will like having someone to play with that won't push and shove...well, at least just yet ;)

So, there are my thoughts and doubts for the moment. I get them throughout the day, and I really want to write them down, because I think that they are thoughts that probably everyone has. Here, I'll get brave. How about this one....was anyone so superficial that they worried that they wouldn't have a "cute" baby? What if he/she was ugly? I had that thought with ALL THREE kids. Don't get me wrong, it was nothing that was dwelled upon...more like a fleeting thought that I was anxious to suppress because it disappointed me to have it in the first place. Lucky me, it wasn't the case, and my children should all be on TV, of course. But let's get real. You always hear people say, "It doesn't matter what I have, I just want a healthy baby." Of course you do! Let's state the obvious, why don't we, but I am sure that 90% of people DO care which sex of child they have and have a preference, choice or no choice. I think they call it "P.C.", right? I am politically correct sometimes and sometimes, no.

Looks like I had a few more thoughts, huh?

Well, time to go feed the boys....

4 comments:

The Breedlove family said...

It seems that you are going to be able to comfort your little girl so much. Just the fact that you are so considerate of "where" she is coming from (all the struggles she has had in her young life) tells me that you will be a great mom to her. You mentioned things in your writing that I hadn't thought of. We are going to be getting a younger baby, but still the surroundings for any age child are going to be so different. I also thought about the fact that our babies will have lived their whole lives in a place that has no airconditioning and they are coming to a place that NEVER turns it off...that will be an adjustment for their little bodies too. Don't feel alone in your doubts...I think you are right: EVERYONE has them!

The Elliott Family said...

I didn't even think of the air-conditioning...we are polar bears here!

Mom of 5 said...

All the thoughts and questions are so normal. I remember feeling out of my mind with every emotion. It will be difficult-I'm not sugar coating things -BUT with LOVE, LOVE, LOVE things change and before you know it . It has been a big blessing for our family.

Kimberly Baggett said...

rachel...
i found your website from my website host youbelong.net....i have enjoyed reading your blog and i just have to say that your little girl is gorgeously precious! i know you are truly busy with your boys and the adoption, but if you have a few spare minutes, i would love to ask you a few questions if you wouldn't mind emailing me at kimbo2710@aol.com....

p.s. we, too, are in texas!
thanks,
kimberly