I have been reading the book "Toddler Adoption-A Weavers Craft". It has thoroughly frightened me. It talks about attachment, grieving, behaviors, etc. I know that is something that we should prepare for, but come on! How depressing....I want sugar coating and there was nothing but bitter pill for me!
So now, I add more worries to our list of worries. What if she goes straight to me and is never fussy? That is bad, probably attachment disorder. What if she pitches a fit and hates me for months? Ironically, that isn't so bad. That means she had normal attachment to her mom and there is hope. Definitely stuff I didn't prepare for when we thought we were waiting on an infant.
Then there is this nagging feeling that we are stealing a child. I know we aren't. I know it is what is best for her life, but I think about her mom and how she is willingly giving her child away knowing her fully. Not just as a mother who carried her baby to term and gives life to her, but one who did that and lived with her and cared for her until she couldn't do it anymore. Why can't she keep her child? Why do some never get to see their biological children at all, because their bodies won't cooperate? Why is life this way? It is so unfair, and I KNOW that life is nowhere near fair, but it is one of those things where I just want to go, "God, come and get us...we are making a mess down here." Why do I get to be the one to have my own bio children AND someone else's? Hello, Guilt, my name is Rachel.
But I know He sees the beginning, the middle, and the end, where I just see a teeny blip in time. Glad I'm not God, 'cause I'd have given up on me a long time ago! And the rest of you suckers, too!